Well, I'll be doggone

There was apparently some confusion about this week's competition, which may come as a surprise to those of you who know and love the ape-infested rainforests of Nottingham. Shivaram expressed it best, with his whispered entry: "Don't embarrass me! Make some sound you idiot, so I can tell whether you are a monkey or a dog!"

Yes, indeed. Although the Barmy Army are fond of pointing out that "Hoggy is a monkey, Hoggy is a monkey, tra-la-la-la [ooh] ...", this particular Hoggard was most definitely a dog, and not a "vicious swinging Yorkie" either (thank you, John Loynes from Worcester).

Nor was he a shitzu, although that was what Bob and Jan reckoned the Aussies must now be in, after Hoggy the Human had starred with bat and ball in the gripping fourth Test at Trent Bridge. And, unsurprisingly, that performance - and his dominance over one batsman in particular - provided all manner of ammunition for our entrants this week. As Tyrone Peters teasingly put it: "You're not the only one I've got on a leash ..."

And boom, they were off! "I've also got a bunny called Hayden," suggested Imran Patel, among several others at the more printable end of the spectrum. "Hayden, sit!" commanded Deanna Guilfoyle. "Run along Matthew, it's time to put your pads on," added Greg Evans. "You're so cute I could put you in my pocket," cooed Leon Wijeyesinghe," right next to ..." You get the picture.

Gleeful (and dangerously premature) Aussie-bashing was clearly the order of the week. "Let's go bag some rabbits!" added Keith Rowland in a more general variation on the same theme, while Syed Moosavi noted some alarming implications for the young pup. "You should probably start looking for a new home, buddy," he warned. "By the time this one ends, the Aussies will officially be in the doghouse."

Homelessness was the least of Hoggard's worries, however, judging by the doggy-bag of pain and abuse being submitted this week. "Matthew wonders how fast he has to get the dog going to make it swing," pondered Tom Bond, while Paul Boguszewski commented on the RSPCA's concern at the new regulation wicketkeeping gloves.

Dogs will be dogs, so there was plenty toilet humour doing the rounds as well. "Shall I dribble one down leg?" enquired Tim Atkins, a suggestion that made Pete Inness foam at the mouth with irrational fury. "Pee on my lap and I'll wring your neck, you little mongrel!"

But Hogg the dog wouldn't have dared do that, because he was clearly a sensitive soul. "No, no, don't be upset Hoggard," soothed Nicholas Fry. "I said the Aussies have been dogged by no-balls." In Steve Howe's opinion, alas, it was too late for such sympathy. "They say your team is the dog's b*****ks," he remarked. "Well, I've been looking for mine since that visit to the vet."

There was plenty of mileage to be had in the apparent similarities between the two characters. "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all," said Theena Kumaraguranathan. "I know it's bad," he generously added, to save me the bother, "but do me a favour and mention it as the winner for the worst caption submitted. It'll serve as my 15 minutes of fame!" As you wish, Theena! Hope the rest of your days aren't too tedious.

"Christ, are you pug-ugly or what? And get a haircut!" snarled David Napier. "Cool, a talking dog!" came the forgivably telegraphed punchline. "Where'd you find the mongrel, Hoggy?" asked Chris McGarrey in a similar train of thought. "Dunno, he just picked me up ..." "Be careful he doesn't bite you," ... "oh, he looks friendly enough ..." And so on. Very droll, everyone.

"I like having four short legs," announced David Jenney, although whether that statement was applicable to doggy, Hoggy, or even himself, he wouldn't elaborate. Either way, Ross Jones from New Zealand had a devious suggestion for when the fatigue started to set in. "When you get tired," he declared, "we'll replace you with a German Shepherd called Pratt."

But the winner this week, for no other reason than I'm a sucker for an obscure pun, was Terry Knight with this obscene play-on-words ...

For those of you still blinking with utter incomprehension, Battersea Dog's Home is a renowned rescue centre for poor unloved pooches and defeated cricket teams. And on that note ...